Darth Pillsbury
Darth Pillsbury, also known as That Annoying White Puff! was quite possibly the most unspectacular Super-Megalomaniac-Overlord Sith Lord in history, often failing at the dumbest tasks the Sith gave him (such as getting publishing rights for his memoirs). Indeed, many even wonder how he managed to achieve the latter rank (although the scientific community continues to debate it until this day, as they have nothing better to do, the general explanation is "What the heck?! That's what we call dumb blind luck!"). Biography Darth Pillsbury's original name was Buttery Skywalker, and he was born on Tatooine to Crescent and Flaky Skywalker. His childhood was described by the following quotes. "I don't have a son..." -Crescent Skywalker, the "father". "The kid was loved like a cold...got us off of work for a couple of days, but other than that..." -Flaky Skywalker, Crescent's life-partner. "He was a fat white...thing" -Luke Skywalker "I made the dimwitted mistake of dating him in high school...ummm, lets just say I am now a carrier of 51 different STDs" -Anonymous Historians believe from this and other evidence that he was well liked. According to his transcript, he completed high school, then went to the Southeast Outer Rim Technical Academy and Cathouse. He dropped out after he was caught selling death sticks at a 360% markup. His earnings from this allowed him to buy his way into the advertising market. "Today only, 40% off Jar Jar's Supa Neatsa Birth Control Pills!" -Buttery during his famous advertising career. Buttery soon became the official mascot for Sith Happens Condom and Pregnancy Test Emporium, making millions of credits in the process. However, Buttery felt hollow, as if his life had no purpose. He decided to apply with the Jedi, and for only reasons the Force probably knows, they accepted him as an entry level Lightsaber Polisher position. As content as he should have been (him and Mace Windu enjoyed a poker game every week, with Yoda joining in and hustling the table here and there), he soon grew enraged, now realizing his life was indeed a failure (its at this point that historians accept the slight chance of a distorted childhood) and he left the Jedi for the Sith. Apparently not picking up on the Jedi's not so subtle parade in the streets at Buttery's departure, the Sith allowed Buttery in their ranks, and he adopted his Sith name: Pillsbury, a combination of Pills, as in birth control, and 'bury alive', his desired fate for his ridiculers. He somehow rose through those ranks, using cliff notes and his "working" relationship with Darth Elmo to eventually ascend to the rank Super-Megalomaniac- Overlord Sith Lord. His first mission was to help a team of Sith Lords infiltrate a McDonalds on Coruscant and gain enough money to then infiltrate a taxi company to gain better working conditions for Gungan drivers, then once they had gained their trust, use them to gain access to Darth Vader's secret stash of Sony Build-It-Yourself Superweapon kits. The plan failed because Pillsbury taped a paper saying 'Kick Me' to Darth Sorrow's back; not surprisingly, Sorrow did not take this well at all, and his excessive crying tipped of Vader's secret police. At this point it would have been much better to kill Pillsbury, but Elmo had other plans for the bumbling fool. He sent Pillsbury to collect a payment from Jabba the Hutt; what Pillsbury didn't know was Elmo already had already given Jabba an extension, and Jabba was not exactly a patient slug. When Pillsbury went to Jabba's exotic dance bar, Jabba grew furious and sent his henchman after the doughboy, but he managed to thwart them with his white bladed lightsaber (the color white, interestingly, is now banned by both the Jedi and the Sith). At this point Elmo was done with Pillsbury, but he had no good reason to just up and Tickle Torture him to death (it is general consensus among the Sith that no reason was ever needed). Pillsbury, because of his rank, now was "rewarded" with the task of clearing Transfat's Moor on the northern quadrant of Chipsahoy during Elmo's campaign to conquer the planet for its vast tibanna gas resources. Elmo of course knew it was a suicide mission as the Chipsahoy residents were better equipped, all of them carrying lock-on miniature superlasers (supplied by none other than Boba Fett for reasons unknown). Pillsbury of course was completely oblivious and walked into the deathtrap like a complete idiot. His body was literally baked to death by the superlasers broiling power, and he never became one with the Force. His funeral was attended by the Sith, but only because of the superb catering and a concert by the Rapping Hutt Grannies. Personality and Traits "Hoy hoy!" -Pillsbury's battle cry Pillsbury had an IQ of -5 and had a fetish for people poking his stomach. He often exaggerated his abilities; he was only proficient in Force Panzy Slap, a skill many Sith saw no value in whatsoever. He dabbled in Tickle Torture, but never mastered the technique. Pillsbury's E-harmony.com profile and MySpace that were self-authored described him as a "plump good looking albino male, looking for some fun, enjoyable outings to Starbucks, and long walks on the beach". He is notable as the only Sith ever not to recieve a plaque on the Sith Academy's mens bathroom wall. Sources *''The Face of Idiocy: A Book About that White Blob'' *''The Pop-up Encyclopedia of Sith Lords'' *''Famous Tatooine Alumni''